[ you're not exactly wrong but also??? anyway awkward icons upon me aside, fran can better put the pieces together about what ludger is telling him with this and.
well. fran knows where he stands in all of this if he were to be put into the exact same position. ]
...I see. I can understand why you'd be angry with everyone in that situation. I'd be pretty angry myself.
There wasn't any time for hesitation. Every minute we fell behind was a minute Bisley got closer to his goal. They- If I couldn't step up, then someone would have to.
[ it's all true. but the heart is so fickle, isn't it? to want to wallow in the misery it created for itself. ]
[ UNFORTUNATELY FOR FRAN HERE...he hasn't gone through his own version of something like this (yet) so he'll only have to think about the hypothetical verses a real experience to draw from. ]
It probably wasn't a situation with a clear "correct" choice—if there was ever one to begin with. [ and given the way that ludger doesn't want to see himself as a burden... ] The only thing that anyone can do is make the best decision that they feel like they can even if that thing ends up hurting more than helping.
...which would be the justification that someone could use.
[ to make it hurt less or whatever. it's all very self-serving. ]
[ it's a justification he's used in the past too, before Milla ripped that to shreds. but building a bridge is different from shattering a dimension. or something. ]
We all did the best we could with what we had. It just... doesn't feel like enough.
[ their best? or the meager consolation the reasoning offers? why not both ]
Well, that's the thing. It's not like I have any better ideas either. I guess I could have not been a wimp and did what needed to be done in the first place?
If that was a coward's decision then what we're doing here isn't much different.
Struggling to find a way to save everyone—choosing to live—that isn't something a coward would do. That'd insult everyone who would have given up their lives.
[ which might be rich coming from fran, but think about how much easier it would be for everyone if they just killed the infected than spent all of their efforts to save them. ]
It's an issue when there isn't weeks of time available - the situation required immediate action.
[ in some ways, it was fortunate that Canaan proper was a little... confusing. both spatially and temporally. because it let catch up and arrive just in the nick of time. but if reality hadn't warped in that place, then every second wasted by Ludger would have been a true insult to Julius's memory. ]
... He asked me to take care of it. It was his last request.
[ well. isn't this building an event bigger picture for him here. or, well, expanding on the picture that he had built already in his mind based on what he has been learning right here and now. sort of? hopefully.
fran is learning that that is an extremely messy circumstance and one filled with a lot more need of clarification. ]
...I doubt he would have allowed you to fill that spot that he took. [ just from the read he got from julius. ] Though I know that doesn't really help with what you had to deal with. You can only ever do what you believe is best at that time.
Then, I'll ask you again, what would have been your more ideal outcome for what happened? [ ludger may have told him he had no idea but surely there's an ideal somewhere. some sort of pipe dream in a sea of impossibilities. ] Since you're given the time and the perspective to think about it now—how would you have wanted things to play out?
[ they are not the same even in the slightest with their guilt, but fran is still someone who had make a decision that caused things to spiral out of control. how many people were hurt because of his inaction? the weight of it all... ]
For me, since I've had time to think about what I didn't do, then I absolutely would have stood my ground when I confronted Queen Victoria that day. [ ... ] I was afraid of dying and felt so much shame for what happened...so I ran.
... I wish Julius hadn't just. Left a note. I wish he could have told me what was coming face to face, before it happened.
[ knowing Julius, it was some misplaced attempt to spare both of them some pain - but Ludger had never felt more alone then at the dining table, reading the words left behind. ]
And I wish I'd known more, earlier. Maybe we wouldn't have found anything in the end but... I would have liked to look for another way to Canaan.
[ ... ]
I should have chased Julius down a long time before everything unfolded.
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..."handle it for you"?
[ this is taking a direction. ]
I think I might need a bit more context with that.
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... Julius was dying. And... there's a ritual we had to do that required the life of someone with Kresnik blood. So he volunteered.
[ more like volun-told, given the way things were set up, but... ]
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well. fran knows where he stands in all of this if he were to be put into the exact same position. ]
...I see. I can understand why you'd be angry with everyone in that situation. I'd be pretty angry myself.
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There wasn't any time for hesitation. Every minute we fell behind was a minute Bisley got closer to his goal. They- If I couldn't step up, then someone would have to.
[ it's all true. but the heart is so fickle, isn't it? to want to wallow in the misery it created for itself. ]
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It probably wasn't a situation with a clear "correct" choice—if there was ever one to begin with. [ and given the way that ludger doesn't want to see himself as a burden... ] The only thing that anyone can do is make the best decision that they feel like they can even if that thing ends up hurting more than helping.
...which would be the justification that someone could use.
[ to make it hurt less or whatever. it's all very self-serving. ]
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We all did the best we could with what we had. It just... doesn't feel like enough.
[ their best? or the meager consolation the reasoning offers? why not both ]
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No, I wouldn't imagine that it would.
[ hmmm. ]
What would you have liked to have happened? Your ideal solution?
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[ he huffs a humorless laugh. ]
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Struggling to find a way to save everyone—choosing to live—that isn't something a coward would do. That'd insult everyone who would have given up their lives.
[ which might be rich coming from fran, but think about how much easier it would be for everyone if they just killed the infected than spent all of their efforts to save them. ]
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[ in some ways, it was fortunate that Canaan proper was a little... confusing. both spatially and temporally. because it let catch up and arrive just in the nick of time. but if reality hadn't warped in that place, then every second wasted by Ludger would have been a true insult to Julius's memory. ]
... He asked me to take care of it. It was his last request.
[ and he'd hesitated ]
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fran is learning that that is an extremely messy circumstance and one filled with a lot more need of clarification. ]
...I doubt he would have allowed you to fill that spot that he took. [ just from the read he got from julius. ] Though I know that doesn't really help with what you had to deal with. You can only ever do what you believe is best at that time.
[ even if it doesn't feel like it later. ]
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[ at least until Nova filled him in. ]
And of course Julius wouldn't let me do that - that's why he didn't say anything until he had to. So there wouldn't be another choice.
[ so Ludger or one of his friends would have no other option but to kill Julius. and that's where a kernel of resentment towards his brother lies. ]
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[ they are not the same even in the slightest with their guilt, but fran is still someone who had make a decision that caused things to spiral out of control. how many people were hurt because of his inaction? the weight of it all... ]
For me, since I've had time to think about what I didn't do, then I absolutely would have stood my ground when I confronted Queen Victoria that day. [ ... ] I was afraid of dying and felt so much shame for what happened...so I ran.
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[ knowing Julius, it was some misplaced attempt to spare both of them some pain - but Ludger had never felt more alone then at the dining table, reading the words left behind. ]
And I wish I'd known more, earlier. Maybe we wouldn't have found anything in the end but... I would have liked to look for another way to Canaan.
[ ... ]
I should have chased Julius down a long time before everything unfolded.