[ can't say he didn't expect the question to be turned back on him, but to have it done so quickly as it has, fran will need a moment to chew it over. also because he's a man full of regrets. ]
I guess, I'd ask them if they...were fine with the outcome of things.
[ IT'S SO FUNNY CONSIDERING WHAT HAPPENS LATER THIS WEEK...and will keep on happening, actually. ]
Unfortunately I think if I said anything it would be hypocritical of me, but even still, it is easier when we're working together then keeping to ourselves.
[ it's still the beginning of w4, that possibility does not exist in his mind :) ]
... Thanks.
[ he won't talk about certain things but... there are some stones he'd like to unearth a little. just to reassure himself that yes, he's the one making mountains out of molehills. ]
...... Sometimes. I'm angry at Julius. And my friends back home.
and you know, it's not really that huge of a deal to get angry with your brother or your friends but this feels a bit more specific than something more generalized. ]
...angry with your friends back home? What are the things that they are doing that cause you to get angry?
[ you're not exactly wrong but also??? anyway awkward icons upon me aside, fran can better put the pieces together about what ludger is telling him with this and.
well. fran knows where he stands in all of this if he were to be put into the exact same position. ]
...I see. I can understand why you'd be angry with everyone in that situation. I'd be pretty angry myself.
There wasn't any time for hesitation. Every minute we fell behind was a minute Bisley got closer to his goal. They- If I couldn't step up, then someone would have to.
[ it's all true. but the heart is so fickle, isn't it? to want to wallow in the misery it created for itself. ]
[ UNFORTUNATELY FOR FRAN HERE...he hasn't gone through his own version of something like this (yet) so he'll only have to think about the hypothetical verses a real experience to draw from. ]
It probably wasn't a situation with a clear "correct" choice—if there was ever one to begin with. [ and given the way that ludger doesn't want to see himself as a burden... ] The only thing that anyone can do is make the best decision that they feel like they can even if that thing ends up hurting more than helping.
...which would be the justification that someone could use.
[ to make it hurt less or whatever. it's all very self-serving. ]
[ it's a justification he's used in the past too, before Milla ripped that to shreds. but building a bridge is different from shattering a dimension. or something. ]
We all did the best we could with what we had. It just... doesn't feel like enough.
[ their best? or the meager consolation the reasoning offers? why not both ]
Well, that's the thing. It's not like I have any better ideas either. I guess I could have not been a wimp and did what needed to be done in the first place?
If that was a coward's decision then what we're doing here isn't much different.
Struggling to find a way to save everyone—choosing to live—that isn't something a coward would do. That'd insult everyone who would have given up their lives.
[ which might be rich coming from fran, but think about how much easier it would be for everyone if they just killed the infected than spent all of their efforts to save them. ]
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Me?
[ can't say he didn't expect the question to be turned back on him, but to have it done so quickly as it has, fran will need a moment to chew it over. also because he's a man full of regrets. ]
I guess, I'd ask them if they...were fine with the outcome of things.
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... Do you think they were?
[ because that answer is easy on Ludger's side - Julius was fine with it. and that's a chunk of the problem. ]
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They had faith in me until the very end.
[ and now they can both share having the same problem, i guess. ]
...which doesn't make of it easier on me, truthfully.
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... It's heavy sometimes, isn't it.
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It certainly is, and it doesn't get any lighter no matter how much time passes.
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You're not alone, okay? So don't try to carry it by yourself the whole time.
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maybe it's kind of nice to have someone who isn't as talented at lying as fran is. ]
I could say the same for you.
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[ there really isn't much point at bringing it up? ]
I gotta keep it together. Everyone's under a lot of stress - I don't want to add to it.
[ this is very funny considering what happens later this week ]
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Unfortunately I think if I said anything it would be hypocritical of me, but even still, it is easier when we're working together then keeping to ourselves.
It's okay to depend on others.
[ says fran fully aware. ]
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I do depend on you, and everyone.
[ he says, like a repressed depresso that doesn't even know he's lying. ]
I just don't want to be a burden. That's all.
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I think we're all afraid of not wanting to come off as a burden, but I'm sure that the people who care wouldn't think yourself as one.
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[ and that's enough for him to bury it, until he dies as scheduled. ]
It's okay, Fran. We're all busy with everything happening - it's not a big deal.
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Isn't it a big deal? It's times like these that matter the most.
I certainly don't consider you a burden.
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... Thanks.
[ he won't talk about certain things but... there are some stones he'd like to unearth a little. just to reassure himself that yes, he's the one making mountains out of molehills. ]
...... Sometimes. I'm angry at Julius. And my friends back home.
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and you know, it's not really that huge of a deal to get angry with your brother or your friends but this feels a bit more specific than something more generalized. ]
...angry with your friends back home? What are the things that they are doing that cause you to get angry?
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[ intention matters here. it does! he believes that. it's just... ]
I... wasn't ready to deal with Julius's situation. So they went ahead to handle it for me. But it's Julius.
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..."handle it for you"?
[ this is taking a direction. ]
I think I might need a bit more context with that.
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... Julius was dying. And... there's a ritual we had to do that required the life of someone with Kresnik blood. So he volunteered.
[ more like volun-told, given the way things were set up, but... ]
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well. fran knows where he stands in all of this if he were to be put into the exact same position. ]
...I see. I can understand why you'd be angry with everyone in that situation. I'd be pretty angry myself.
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There wasn't any time for hesitation. Every minute we fell behind was a minute Bisley got closer to his goal. They- If I couldn't step up, then someone would have to.
[ it's all true. but the heart is so fickle, isn't it? to want to wallow in the misery it created for itself. ]
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It probably wasn't a situation with a clear "correct" choice—if there was ever one to begin with. [ and given the way that ludger doesn't want to see himself as a burden... ] The only thing that anyone can do is make the best decision that they feel like they can even if that thing ends up hurting more than helping.
...which would be the justification that someone could use.
[ to make it hurt less or whatever. it's all very self-serving. ]
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We all did the best we could with what we had. It just... doesn't feel like enough.
[ their best? or the meager consolation the reasoning offers? why not both ]
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No, I wouldn't imagine that it would.
[ hmmm. ]
What would you have liked to have happened? Your ideal solution?
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[ he huffs a humorless laugh. ]
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Struggling to find a way to save everyone—choosing to live—that isn't something a coward would do. That'd insult everyone who would have given up their lives.
[ which might be rich coming from fran, but think about how much easier it would be for everyone if they just killed the infected than spent all of their efforts to save them. ]
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